Joanna Robinson, M.Div, M.Ed

Midlife Crisis? Or Midlife Quest? Healthy Lifestyle Changes for Body, Mind and Spirit

June 5, 2014 By Joanna Robinson, M.Div, M.Ed

In my first article in this series, I suggested that midlife is defined as much by the unique physical, emotional, spiritual, vocational, and relational transitions one experiences, as by any precise age range. But generally, we think of midlife as spanning all or part of our 40s, 50s and even 60s. (to read that first article click here: Midlife Crisis? Or Midlife Quest? Navigating Middle Age With Purpose and Grace.)

For many people, physical changes are often the first and most obvious way that middle age challenges appear. The age when physical signs of midlife start to show up for a particular individual depends on many factors. These may include:

Nutrition and eating habits
Family genetics
Exercise and other self-care practices
Depression or anxiety
(For women) Gynecological and menstrual history
Hormone levels and changes
Past or present use of alcohol, tobacco, or other substances
If or when you had children

Additionally, there may be other issues that influence your unique experience of midlife and its physical challenges. Work and family dynamics often add complications to this journey. Some of these dynamics include:

The age you began your career (or went back to work)
The age you married
Children’s ages or developmental stages
Parents’ health & support needs, or ages at death
Divorce and/or blended family issues
Family or intergenerational history of substance abuse

How Can I Deal With The Physical Challenges of Midlife?

In midlife, it’s more important than ever to pay attention to your body. Twenty and thirty-somethings might be able to get away with little sleep, sporadic exercise, too much alcohol, or unhealthy eating habits. But, depending on your “genetic luck,” previous health habits, illnesses, and injuries, by the time you’re in your forties, it’s crucial to look at your lifestyle and health habits. You only have one body!

This is the time to make healthy lifestyle changes that will allow you to live your middle and older years with vitality and joy

Take Maia for example. She’d always been a healthy person. But after her 47^th birthday, she was hit by a number of health problems. First she needed a knee replacement. A few months later, a spot on her face was diagnosed as skin cancer—which was removed successfully.

By age 49, after years of heavy periods, her doctor recommended a hysterectomy. The resulting hormonal changes sent Maia into sudden, “surgically-induced menopause.” Overnight, it seemed, she started experiencing anxiety and depression, joint and muscle pain, insomnia, difficulty concentrating, and hot flashes. Maia felt like she was losing her mind!

Maia was noticing other physical changes as well. She ate pretty much the same way she always had—a fairly balanced diet, with a few “treats” now and then. But her weight kept creeping up—especially around her belly area. Maia also noticed changes like dryer skin and thinning hair.

And the changes weren’t just physical. Maia loved her job as a teacher, but the stresses were increasing every year. She felt deeply called to her work—but also feeling “burned out.”

And just as she was going through her own midlife challenges, her 14 year-old daughter was in the throes of puberty, also experiencing major physical transitions and mood swings. On top of her responsibilities as a parent, Maia’s 85 year-old father had begun to need a lot more help from her.

Is It Time For A “50,000 Mile Tune-Up?”

Chances are that you’re experiencing some of the same midlife changes as Maia. Every person’s experience is different, and it’s important to seek support in a way that matches your own needs.

But most of us can benefit during midlife from what you might call a “50,000 Mile Tune-Up.” A newer car—like a younger body—typically runs pretty well. Often it just needs routine maintenance like regular oil changes and tire rotations during its first 50,000 miles. Most car manufacturers, however, recommend a lot of “preventive maintenance” measures around the 50,000-mile mark. We might need to have the belts and hoses changed, spark plugs replaced, fluid levels inspected, brakes checked, and more, depending on the make and model.

Now human beings are much more intricate than cars. But if we care for our cars so intentionally, shouldn’t we give at least as much attention to the various “systems” of our physical bodies? Healthy lifestyle changes can be a key part of weathering midlife with greater ease.

Areas of physical well being that may call for changes during midlife include:

Diet: Take a look at what you eat. Make small, manageable changes, one by one (e.g., add a serving of vegetables, cut out sugar except on special occasions). If you have symptoms of food intolerances such as gluten sensitivity, consider being tested, or doing an elimination diet to see if you feel better removing certain foods from your diet. Consult a registered dietician, naturopathic physician, or other dietary expert to tailor changes to your needs.
Exercise: If you don’t exercise already, commit to adding it into your week. Find one aerobic activity you enjoy, such as walking, and start with 20 minutes 3 times a week, gradually increasing frequency and length. If you are already an exerciser, reevaluate your routine. Strength training is a great addition at midlife, because it builds lean muscle tissue and increases metabolism. Consult a personal trainer or other fitness expert if needed.
Eyesight: Whether or not you wear glasses or contacts, you may be noticing vision changes. Most people begin to experience some loss of vision (farsightedness) sometime in their forties. Get your vision checked and find out if you need reading glasses, or an adjustment to your current prescription.
Midlife Medical Screenings: Ask your doctor what’s recommended at your age. Depending on personal and family history and current age, she may recommend you have some of the following screening exams: skin cancer, colonoscopy, hearing, prostate for men, bone density & regular gynecological check (pap smear, mammogram, etc.) for women.
Hormone Check: During her 40s and 50s, a woman’s reproductive hormones are shifting. The changes may be subtle—or quite dramatic. Hormone imbalance can affect not only menstrual symptoms (heavy or erratic periods, for example) but also sleep, energy, joint and muscle pain, anxiety, mood changes, inability to concentrate, fuzzy memory, and more. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms it’s worth having your doctor or naturopath check your hormone levels, and prescribe whatever treatment is called for based on the results.
Add a Mind-Body Activity: Yoga, Tai Chi, and Qigong are just a few practices that work with the body, breath, and mind to help center and calm you, as well as improving strength, flexibility, and balance. Meditation comes in many forms and is also a great addition to one’s midlife self-care practices.
Assess Alcohol Use: Excessive drinking can exacerbate sleep problems, or increase the risk of disease processes. Some people use alcohol to “self-medicate” when they’re tired, stressed, or depressed. Midlife is a good time to cut back or eliminate alcohol consumption for many people.

Even with its physical challenges, midlife can be a time of rich growth and deepened inner experience for many people. Check back for upcoming topics in this series, including articles on Exploring Paths Not Taken; Getting to Know Your Shadow; Cultivating Gratitude; and the Reconnecting With Community.

Individual therapy during the midlife transition can be a powerful part of your journey of discovery at this time. Call me at (253) 761-8808 x2, or email me at joanna@soulcarepsychotherapy.com to talk about setting up an appointment.

Please note that this article is not meant to provide medical advice or to replace anxiety treatments prescribed by a doctor. Readers are responsible for checking with their physician to make sure any health conditions they have do not preclude the practices outlined in this article.

Exploring Your “Unlived Life:” Nurturing Passions Old & New, Grieving Paths Not Taken

June 3, 2014 By Joanna Robinson, M.Div, M.Ed

When old dreams take on new urgency…

During major life transitions, many of us are faced with increasing restlessness, anxiety or boredom with old responsibilities and routines. The broad span of time we call “middle age” often brings on such feelings. In middle age you may find yourself wondering “what might have been.” These wonderings are questions about your “unlived life.” Perhaps you find yourself

Questioning your career, relationship, & other choices
Facing job dissatisfaction or burnout
Longing for deeper meaning or purpose
Grieving the “lost possibilities” in your life
Re-examining long-held spiritual, political or other beliefs

Midlife often brings with it a “mental shift.” In younger years you may think of life more in terms of the length of time since you were born. In middle age, however, you might have the sense that time is running out. You may begin thinking more in terms of the time left until death. You feel a new sense of urgency–like something important is missing.

Conflicting “Job Descriptions?”

Human beings have “conflicting job descriptions.” So say Jungian analyst Robert Johnson and his co-author, Jerry Ruhl, in their book, Living Your Unlived Life: Coping with Unrealized Dreams and Fulfilling Your Purpose in the Second Half of Life. On the one hand, you must learn to be a responsible, civilized person. That means being aware of the values of your culture, community and family—all of the “dos and don’ts” of society. You need to earn a living, become a contributing member of society, live up to certain family expectations, be polite, follow the law, and so forth.

At the same time, you feel called to be true to your own “higher Self.” You long to follow your passions–even though they may conflict with the expectations of others. You yearn to express the vitality and fullness of who you are as an individual.

The problem comes when these two “job descriptions” seem to pull you in opposite directions. For each life choice you make, you didn’t choose something else. The paths you didn’t choose represent aspects of unlived life. “Whatever you decide to do with your life kicks energy into what you decided not to do,” say Johnson and Ruhl (p. 5).

Consider these adults who feel pulled between conflicting parts of themselves*:

Maria, age 52, is a hospital administrator. Growing up, she loved art and music. When she went to college, however, Maria was pressured by her parents to choose a more “practical” direction, majoring in business. Maria was financially stable and respected in her profession. But she felt an absence of vitality. She felt like something important was missing.
Jack recently celebrated his 50th birthday and 25th wedding anniversary. He and his wife Ana had a stable marriage. Jack still loved Ana. But after a quarter century, 3 children, and the work of maintaining a household, their relationship lacked the spark it once had. Jack had become attracted to a woman in his running group. Eventually, they began exchanging frequent text messages and phone calls. While paying the bills one weekend, Ana noticed a lot of extra calls and messages on Jack’s phone.
Katie, age 43, grew up in a conservative religious home. Her faith was very important to her. But she had become disillusioned by the judgmental nature of her church’s teachings. Katie’s twin brother came out as gay during college, and was disowned by their family’s congregation. Angry and hurt, Katie left the church. For years she rejected all forms of organized religion. But recently, Katie had been longing for some kind of spiritual community.

Maria, Katie and Jack were all experiencing a clash between “conflicting job descriptions.” Each of them felt like there were opposing internal parts of themselves, vying for attention. They had made life choices that they were now questioning in middle age. Unlived life was calling to them! Some people call it a “midlife crisis.” Whatever it’s called, the pull of your unlived life can be painful and confusing.

You may have been very faithful to your “job” as a good wife, husband, parent, friend, employee, neighbor, or citizen. But now you realize you’ve neglected other important callings. These old dreams take on new urgency. Neglect of these parts of yourself often leads to symptoms of “midlife crisis,” such as:

Depression
Job dissatisfaction
Anxiety
Marital problems
Sexual or emotional affairs
A loss of meaning or purpose
Compulsive behaviors (alcohol, drugs, gambling, pornography)
Feeling you’ll “go crazy” if something doesn’t change!

How Can We Reclaim our “Unlived Life?”

How do you reconcile conflict between various parts of yourself? Sometimes it’s possible to reclaim aspects of your unlived life in a very literal way. The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung suggested pondering this question:

What did you do as a child that made the hours pass like minutes?

Perhaps you were drawn to activities in childhood that you’ve neglected or given up as an adult. Day-to-day responsibilities and pressures may have crowded out those old loves. The things you loved to do as a child–or wanted to do but didn’t have the opportunity–are often good clues toward pursuing your unlived life.

Maria, for instance, decided to enroll in a painting class to nurture the creative parts of herself that she had neglected. As she reconnected with her creativity, her depression subsided. She even began to enjoy her work again.
And Katie? Several years after leaving her church, she began exploring other faith communities. Katie visited several before finding one that was more open and inclusive. Also, she accepted an offer from a coworker to attend a mindfulness meditation group in their community. Katie was finally claiming her own spiritual journey in a way that felt more in line with her deepest beliefs and experience.

Sometimes, though, attempts to reclaim unlived life in a literal fashion can result in harm to oneself or others. That was true in Jack’s case.

Ana confronted Jack about his emotional affair. She was deeply hurt, and expressed her grief about the loss of connection in their marriage. Jack contacted a therapist and began dealing with his longtime, low grade depression. In therapy, Jack explored what was missing in his life that made him susceptible to this emotional affair. After a couple months, Ana agreed to go to marriage counseling. Together they began exploring ways to revitalize their relationship.

The emotional, relational, and spiritual shifts people face in middle age–or during any period of great transition–can be difficult. But, if you face these changes with a sense of honest self-examination, they can also bring with them great promise. Exploring unlived life and finding new ways to live it out with creativity and consciousness can bring great satisfaction, and a deepening of your sense of life’s purpose.

If you’re struggling with any of these issues of unlived life, perhaps it’s time to talk to someone who can help you sort things through. Give me a call at (253) 761-8808 x2, or email me at joanna@soulcarepsychotherapy.com if you’d like to talk about the possibility of making an appointment.

*Please note that the persons described in this article are fictional, although they may have combinations of characteristics that are similar to actual individuals in my practice or elsewhere in the world. Any resemblance to actual people is purely coincidental.

Finding Balance: On The Frustrations and Fears of Middle Age, Yoga Practice, & Gnarly Tree Poses…

January 10, 2014 By Joanna Robinson, M.Div, M.Ed

In midlife, as in yoga, we are called to be present to how our body IS, right now.

Middle age is not for the faint of heart. For that matter, middle age isn’t for the faint of shoulder, knee, or hip, either! It’s no secret that an increase in physical challenges is one of the most noticeable and difficult parts of the midlife journey for many women and men.

In midlife, people with chronic health issues often find their physical problems become more serious. Or, if you’ve been a pretty healthy person, middle age may be the first time you face real physical vulnerabilities. Activities you used to be able to do easily may become more difficult.

By the time you hit forty, your knees, back, and shoulders have had decades of wear and tear. For women, hormones may shift dramatically before and during menopause, contributing to new physical and emotional challenges. In midlife, we need to adapt physically—and perhaps change our assumptions mentally, emotionally and spiritually. (For more on the challenges of midlife, see my article Midlife Crisis? Or Midlife Quest? Navigating Middle Age With Purpose And Grace).

Out of Balance?

In my mid-forties, I started having some trouble with balance. I wasn’t accidentally falling over or anything like that. I noticed my balance issues most when doing yoga. I was a little….well, “wobbly.” It happened most often when doing a yoga pose in which I needed to balance on one foot.

Tree Pose, Vrksasana, balance, yoga, middle age, Amy Petty, Amy Petty Yoga — Tree Pose (Vrksasana)

I had done yoga off and on since my mid-twenties. But this was the first time I’d practiced regularly in a studio, with trained teachers instead of a DVD or a book. I’ve had wonderful teachers at Source Yoga in Tacoma. I liked how they challenged me, encouraging their students to explore our “comfortable edge.” That helped me to go a little deeper into a pose than I would on my own, and to do it safely.

I liked that challenge. Except when it came to balance poses, that is! Tree Pose was especially frustrating. In the fullest expression of Tree Pose (Vrksasana), you’re balancing on one foot, with the other foot placed high on your inner thigh, arms raised overhead. You can watch a video that shows how to do Tree Pose here.

I have kind of a “love-hate relationship” with Tree Pose. It’s a beautiful pose. It’s very strengthening, calming and centering. I was able to get my foot up high on my leg. But once I started to raise my arms overhead, often I would lose my balance. So I usually needed to modify the pose, with my foot low on my calf. On days when balance was especially challenging, I’d do Tree in “kick-stand position,” with my toe on the floor, as in the photo below:

Tree Pose, kickstand, yoga, middle age, balance, Amy Petty, Amy Petty Yoga — Tree Pose, with foot in “kickstand position” for more stability.

Still, something in me wanted to be able to do Tree Pose the way I thought I should do Tree Pose: balanced on one foot, the other foot perched high on my standing leg, arms spread like graceful branches. You know, the pretty, fancy way. It was hard to accept the limitations of my middle aged body.

Fast-forward a couple of years. Eventually I realized that my balance problem was probably caused by the limited range of motion in the big toe joint of my right foot. “Hallux limitus” is the fancy Latin name. Hallux = Big Toe. Limitus = limited motion of the toe joint. Basically, I had arthritis in my big toe.

Over time I figured out that my toe problem was probably the root of my balance problems. And my running problems. And maybe my creaky knees, and my occasional hip issues….you get the idea. The body is an integrated whole. Problems with one part of the body affect other parts of the body as well.

Yup. Middle age is not for the faint of heart!

Middle Age Physical Challenges: Frustration….and Fear

In midlife, it’s easy to get frustrated when your body isn’t able to do what it used to do. Or what you want it to do. I’m fortunate. I haven’t had cancer, a serious car accident, or a traumatic brain injury. But I found that my foot issues opened up a place of vulnerability in me that I didn’t recognize.

I think what was below the surface of my frustration was really fear. Fear about changes to my lifelong “healthy-person identity.” Fear that I may not be able to run anymore. That tiresome, ever-present fear of weight gain that so many American women and girls have.

…what was below the surface of my frustration was really fear.

Eventually, I had foot surgery to correct the problem. My doctor discovered I actually had a broken toe bone I’d been walking (and running, and doing yoga) on for years. No wonder my body was “out of balance!” I did some rehab (lots of calf-stretches!), and switched from running to walking. I got back on my yoga mat. Some poses I could do, some I couldn’t. And I learned to modify Tree Pose without feeling quite so frustrated.

Finding A New Balance

During midlife, we’re called to “find a new balance.” We need to face the frustrations and fears we have about aging. We may need to re-prioritize our lives physically, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually. Doing so can help us create a “second half of life” that’s more mindful, vibrant, and congruent with the person we truly are inside.

Our middle aged bodies give us important messages about literal, physical adaptations we may need in order to be healthy. And sometimes those physical realities can be a metaphor for broader changes we need to make, changes that can help us rebalance and renew ourselves for our life’s journey.

Gnarled Lone Tree, Middle Age, Desolate, landscape — Every tree is a piece of art….

With a lot of patience, I’ve gradually been able to find better balance in Tree Pose. I still usually need to modify the pose in some way. And that’s okay. I’ve also started running again–not as often, not fast, not far–but perhaps a little more mindfully.

Last summer I tried running while on vacation in the Midwest on some long, country roads. I had a new phone with a better camera, so decided to take some photos along the way. The camera helped me be more present to my surroundings–especially the trees.

I noticed how unique each tree was. There were big, healthy, full-branched trees. Dead trees that had been hit by lightning. There were small trees with gnarly branches. Some trees leaned sharply towards the East, asymmetrical, shaped by the wind. I found myself thinking the words:

“Every tree is a piece of art.”

Oh.

Remember my “love/hate” relationship with Tree Pose? If “every tree is a piece of art”—big and small ones, full-branched and asymmetrical ones, gnarly and lightning-struck ones—could this also be true of yoga practice?

Could it be true of life, as well?

Good art isn’t always classically beautiful. Art also challenges us. It makes us question our assumptions about life, the world around us, ourselves. It makes us laugh sometimes, or cry. Art invites us into deeper connection with the world, with other beings, with ourselves, and with the Sacred. Yoga does that too.

And so do the challenges that life brings us. Even the challenges of middle age.

In midlife, as in yoga practice, we are called to be present to how our body IS, right now. Not how it used to be, or how we think it should be.

When we practice yoga, we bring to our mats not only our desire to feel better, to get stronger or more flexible. We also bring our frustrations and our fears. That rectangle of rubber–our yoga mat–becomes a sanctuary, an altar where we can lay bare old wounds, insecurities, confusions and joys. In midlife, as in yoga practice, we are called to be present to how our body IS, right now. Not how it used to be, or how we think it should be. We can make literal, physical changes that help preserve or even increase our health and vitality into the future.

And sometimes those physical changes are lovely metaphors for the rest of life, as well.

If you’ve been struggling with finding balance (literally or figuratively!), or with other midlife challenges, perhaps it’s time to talk to someone who can help you sort things through. Give me a call at (253) 761-8808 x2, or email me at joanna@soulcarepsychotherapy.com if you’d like to talk about making an appointment.

Grief And The Holidays: Coping With the Feelings Inside, Versus the Cheerful Atmosphere Around You

November 22, 2013 By Joanna Robinson, M.Div, M.Ed

“Grief is like a long, winding valley,
where any bend may reveal a totally new landscape.”

–C.S. Lewis

When grieving the loss of a loved one, the holiday season is like a “totally new landscape” along the winding journey of grief. The ordinary, daily routines of living after a loved one’s death are hard enough. But the holidays–Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, and New Years celebrations—create a focus for your loss that is magnified beyond everyday grief. If your family member, friend, or a beloved pet’s death is recent, navigating the holidays for the first time is likely to bring up painful feelings and questions. But even if the death is more distant, you may be shocked at the intensity of feelings that come up even years later.

The reality of loss never occurs all at once. Grief is, indeed, a process. You won’t know your own unique path through that winding valley until the journey is well underway. In our culture, the holidays are “supposed to be” times of family togetherness, celebration, and joy. But when you’re grieving, instead you might experience deep sadness, emptiness, and dread. The contrast between the feelings inside of you, and the holiday cheer outside of you, can add immensely to your pain.

Why Is My Grief So Much Harder During The Holidays?

There are many reasons the grieving process might be harder during the holidays:

Expectations that you “should” feel happy or cheerful
The dramatic increase in activity during the holidays: decorating, mailing cards, baking, buying presents, going to parties and concerts, attending religious services
Decreased energy, & increased fatigue or depression
Loss of your loved one’s companionship or help with taking care of holiday tasks
People’s uncertainty about what to say (or not to say) about your loved one’s death
The rest of the world is celebrating like always—but for you, the holidays will never be the same
Commercialization of the holidays: Who cares about this year’s newest video game system or a big sale at the mall when you have this huge hole in your heart?
Family Conflicts: Sometimes old family issues get rekindled or even intensify during the holidays after a loved one has died

Even if you’ve found a tolerable “rhythm” to help you get through normal, day-to-day life, the onset of the holiday season may catch you off guard. The intensity of feelings can be frightening. Common, normal responses include: sleep disturbances, decreased energy, increased fatigue, sadness, or irritability, appetite problems (either no appetite; being hungry all the time; or, cravings for sugar and carbohydrates), inability to concentrate, a tendency to withdraw from normal activities, dreading social events, feeling “lost,” lonely, or helpless. Yet no two people grieve the same way. Your journey through grief will have its own unique twists and turns.

Factors That Might Intensify Your Grief During The Holidays:

A number of circumstances may cause your grieving process to be even more difficult during the holidays. Some common factors that often intensify grief include:

If this is the first holiday season after your loved one’s death
Multiple deaths in recent months or years
Other recent major stressors or losses: divorce, unemployment, a car accident, death of a beloved pet, bankruptcy, a major move, significant health problems, etc.
Lack of a good support system of family, friends, a spiritual community, a counselor, grief support group, etc.
Living far away from other family members

The Value Of Grief And Depression

It might sound strange, but the difficult feelings that accompany holiday grief can actually be very valuable. For instance, depression can be nature’s way of encouraging you to take time out from ordinary responsibilities in order to tend to your grief. Depression slows down our body’s systems, preventing our major organs from being damaged. If we don’t ignore our feelings, or push ourselves to do too much, we can learn to respect this “slowing down process.”

Slowing down may be difficult, especially if you have an inflexible work schedule, or responsibilities for children or aging parents. But slowing down as much as possible–getting plenty of sleep, taking time for yourself, saying “no” to commitments that will take too much energy–can be crucial for your healing. You can learn to give yourself more compassion and self-care.

There are no simple answers to the question of how to deal with your grief during the holidays. Again, everyone grieves differently—your needs are unique. However, the following suggestions might help you on that winding journey of grief during the holiday season:

How to Cope With Your Grief During the Holidays

Be gentle with yourself. Don’t expect to do as much as you typically do.
Don’t force yourself to “get in the holiday spirit.” Instead, try paying attention to the needs of your spirit.
Take good care of yourself physically. Eat nourishing food. Limit alcohol consumption. Get a little exercise. Get plenty of sleep.
Spend time with people who allow you to talk about your feelings. Let yourself cry and feel sad if you need to.
It’s also okay to enjoy yourself! During the grieving process, it’s normal for your feelings to ebb and flow across the whole spectrum of human emotions.
Decide which holiday traditions to keep this year, and which ones to give up. Only do what feels meaningful and “do-able.” For instance, if sending out cards seems daunting, skip it this year.
Choose a couple of new traditions for the holidays.
Include the name of the person who has died in your conversations. If others sense you’re able to talk about your loved one, they may realize that your need to remember them is part of the healing process.
Spend time looking at old family photos or videos that include the person who died. Family members might want to look at photos from previous holiday seasons, and/or share memories of your loved one.
Consider creating one or more simple rituals to help you express your grief and validate your feelings around this loss. (See specific ideas below).

Whatever your spiritual beliefs, you can think of the season’s darker, colder days as a way the earth’s natural rhythms are “in sync” with your own grieving heart.

Remember that sadness and darkness are actually part of the rhythm of the holiday season. The days are shorter and darker. The weather is colder as we approach the Winter Solstice. Many spiritual traditions incorporate more solemn rituals into their winter holiday traditions. In the season of Advent, for example, Christians mark the 4-week period before Christmas. Advent is a more solemn season of preparation, a time of waiting in the darkness of winter, of hoping for the new light of Christ at Christmas. Whatever your spiritual beliefs, you can think of the season’s darker, colder days as a way that the earth’s natural rhythms are “in sync” with your own grieving heart.

Ideas For Holiday Rituals During Times of Grief

Rituals are a way of expressing your continued love for and memories of the person who died. They can be very simple. Some rituals may be carried out alone, while others might fit better shared in a small group of family members, or with your spiritual community. Rituals may or may not have specific religious or spiritual meaning. The important thing is that the ritual(s) you choose fit with your own belief system and energy level, and that they fit with the person your loved one was.

Some ideas for holiday rituals to honor your loved one and/or support your grief process are:

Light a candle in his or her memory each day during the holiday season.
Bring a few evergreen branches from your Christmas tree, a wreath, or other decorations to place by the grave.
Hang the person’s stocking, or have a special basket, where family members can place notes, poems, stories or fond memories. Read the notes and memories out loud on Christmas.
Leave an empty chair at the table during family gatherings.
Buy a gift, or make a holiday food basket in memory of your loved one. Give it to someone in need, or to a church or other organization that provides assistance to people during the holidays.
Buy a new, special ornament for your tree that reminds you of your loved one.
Buy a living Christmas tree in their honor. After the holidays, plant it in your yard and watch it grow. The tree can be a symbol of hope and new life in the midst of your grief.

The power of a ritual lies in what it does for the participants. Ritual can transform “ordinary time” into “special time.” It can bring a sense of hope for the future to those with grieving hearts. Finally, ritual can provide sustenance for the journey through that winding valley of grief. Ritual honors your memories of the past, gives you strength for the present, and provides hope for new and beautiful landscapes ahead on your life’s journey.

If you’re grieving the death of a loved one, or struggling with other major losses, it can be helpful to talk to someone who can accompany you on grief’s winding path. If you’d like to talk about making an appointment, give me a call at (253) 761-8808 x2, or email me at joanna@soulcarepsychotherapy.com.

Midlife Crisis? or Midlife Quest? Navigating Middle Age with Purpose & Grace

October 16, 2013 By Joanna Robinson, M.Div, M.Ed

In midlife, it’s important to re-focus your energy based on who you truly are—not simply who your family, partner, or society expect you to be.

Midlife: It’s been called “the old age of youth, and the youth of old age.” Like adolescence, midlife can be a difficult stage. The individual embarks on a journey that is physical, emotional, relational, and spiritual in nature.

An internet search brings up many ideas about the age span of “midlife,” ranging from as young as 35 to as old as 65. For women, a big part of the midlife transition involves the physical and emotional changes of menopause. And for both genders, the word “midlife” often appears with another—as in “midlife crisis.”

But midlife is not rigidly defined in terms of some precise age span. It’s also about the unique physical, emotional, spiritual, vocational, and relational changes and challenges of this transition.

Midlife is a time when you may be facing:

Longing for deeper meaning or purpose
Physical changes, both minor and major
Job/vocational dissatisfaction or burnout
Grief about “lost possibilities” for your life
A marked increase/decrease in sexual desire
Acting on compulsions: alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, etc.
Restlessness or boredom with old responsibilities & routines
Changing relationships with adolescent children, aging parents, or spouse
Questioning relationship, career, and other major decisions
Coming to grips with your own mortality

Midlife changes might also be accompanied by depressed or anxious mood, irritability, increased anger, or sleep problems. These symptoms might be caused by physiological or neurochemical changes–changing hormone levels, for instance. Or, they could be magnified by some of the above stressors.

Midlife challenges have some common characteristics, but everyone’s journey is unique. And discovering the deeper meaning of your own particular experience of midlife is crucial. Embarking on that path of discovery might well be the way to:

Midlife, journey, crisis, transition, path — On our midlife path, we’re called to go deeper…

Make courageous changes in relationships or vocation
Discover–or rekindle–a sense of your life’s purpose
Develop healthy habits of self-care
Find a new sense of inner peace
Cultivate the confidence that you’re on the path that’s meant for you

The first half of life is focused on building one’s public identity, what Carl Jung called the “persona.” The individual receives an education and decides on a vocation. You may get married, have children, become a homeowner, and acquire material possessions. You develop patterns, habits, and particular roles. Often you spend tremendous energy adapting to what family, friends, and/or society need or expect you to be.

The persona is like a “mask”—the public face you show to the world. It’s an important part of psychic development, part of what helps you get along in the world. But the masks you wear in the first half of life represent only part of who you are.

On your midlife journey, you’re called to “go deeper,” to explore other parts of yourself you’ve neglected. You may be called to navigate a path in your internal landscape that you’ve never travelled before. The second half of life is not so much about acquiring knowledge, skills, material possessions, and a social identity. Midlife is more about finding meaning, purpose, balance, and integration. This period brings up questions such as:

Why am I here on this earth?
What parts of myself did I ignore or suppress earlier in life?
Which relationships/activities do I want to give more time to?
Which ones do I want to change or eliminate?
How can I deal with the challenges my body experiences as I age?

There are no “universal prescriptions” for undertaking the midlife journey. But there ARE some commonalities that apply to all of us. In midlife, it’s time to re-focus your energy based on who you truly are—not simply who your family, partner, or society expect you to be. You need to attend to the cues your body gives you as you age, so you can live this “second half of life” with vitality. You may need to embrace parts of yourself you don’t like very much, parts you’ve cut off, neglected, or forgotten. These “shadow parts” need to to be acknowledged and made more conscious, not cast off and ignored.

If you’ve been struggling with any of these issues of midlife, perhaps it’s time to talk to someone who can help you sort things through. Give me a call at (253) 761-8808 x2, or email me at joanna@soulcarepsychotherapy.com if you’d like to talk about the possibility of making an appointment. And check back at www.soulcarepsychotherapy.com soon for followup articles on the “midlife journey.”